A Missing Child Report and My Motivation

My son Mark has been missing for about nine years now. I'm going to relate some of the lies that killed him.

To be perfectly honest, Mark committed suicide. He suffered from ulcerative colitis (UC) for eight plus years.  Was diagnosed with it just a week before leaving on a two year mission for the LDS church to Arizona.  He had his colon removed about three years previous to his suicide, had been told numerous times it didn't matter what he ate, his ulcerative colitis (UC) was not caused by food and there was no treatment related to eating different.

There's a lot of layers here. It's not that there's any one specific cause. But there are real correlations.

The UC started when he took a course of treatment with the drug Accutane. He was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis about four months after he started that. He was, at that point, about a week away from leaving. The first gastroenterologist he saw said there was no known correlation with Accutane. So did every following one, including the surgeon who performed the colectomy.

Years later we found that the bowels are the major source of the body's wonderful resource of endorphins, which relates to how many UC sufferers struggle with long term severe depression, and have an unusually high rate of suicide.

He struggled with UC on his mission, and was offered the opportunity to go home with an honorable release more than once because of it.  Mark who was a dedicated, gifted teacher and who loved his mission said "I'll go home in a body bag before I'll leave my mission early!"

It was embarrassing to bleed from the bowels, to have to use the bathroom at odd and irritating moments, to be treated by a doctor who was an idiot (at least the one who, knowing he was a missionary, told him that although there was no known cause and no effective treatment, he should take up smoking to relieve the symptoms).

Mark was made a zone leader after being out six months. His warm, gifted friend and first mission president recognized real gifts and potential, and encouraged him to develop.

A new mission president entered the picture after a year. No doubt a great man but not quite so sensitive, he referred in a missionary meeting to Elder Higbee's trial of bleeding from the bowels, causing great embarrassment to the said Elder Higbee. We have no doubt the mission president was referring to Mark's dedication in the face of trials. Mark took offense instead of being complimented.

Then in the week leading up to his release, Mark as a zone leader was going to a meeting, and passed two sister missionaries going to the same meeting, with a long walk ahead of them in the super hot weather typical of Arizona. He got out, invited them to drive, and he and his companion stood on the rear bumper while the sisters drove cautiously to the meeting (to ride together in the car would have violated mission rules - and so did riding on the bumper).  Mark received an honorable release but left with hard feelings towards his Mission President.

When Mark got home, he was told by our good friend and stake president to write and apologize to his mission president. He never did. He was also advised to cut off his newly developing goatee. He had a hard time with that one too.

I think he just lost faith and hope, because of all the challenges.

There were other challenges from his mission and its aftermath, too personal to relate here. But about a year after he came home, he was a wreck, spiritually, physically and emotionally. He finally got involved in some powerful and effective therapy, then bailed saying he'd continue later. He didn't.

He first attempted suicide after he was home about two years, then became habituated to the attempt,  trying and threatening dozens of times before he succeeded. Mostly we weren't aware or involved. We found out because we were blessed after the fact to have a sweet and open relationship with a girl he could have married, who rescued him from suicide many times before it happened. They spent hours parked outside the Salt Lake Temple without his being able to bring himself to step onto the grounds, with him weeping, perhaps over lost opportunities, innocence and hope. The addictions he developed to caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and other things no doubt played their role in all this.

A law firm reviewed his case for potential remedies against the makers of Accutane. There's now lots of proof of this causing both UC and suicide, but the case was too complex for them to pursue.

There was a note Mark wrote late in his mission that miraculously appeared years later, outlining inspired thoughts he taught to the missionaries in his zone. And his voice that came into his mother's mind when she read this, that said "Mom, this is who I really am."

I'm just scratching the surface here. There are so many issues, so many precious truths discovered. No doubt mistaken impressions, lies we're unaware of in ourselves, and total holes mixed in, plus so many things we just don't understand.

But we are aware of many missed opportunities.

Among the many things we missed, and he missed, was the opportunity to learn about how healthy eating could have cured his UC. We also could have avoided or cured his cystic acne through nutritarian eating instead of using a deadly prescription drug. The possibility that this one thing could have turned either of these around, motivates us.

Above all, we miss Mark.

But one thing we don't miss is the joy of being his parents. We rejoice in what we have experienced, knowing he is our precious son, we will be reunited with him as a family in the  not too distant future, and in which our grief is swallowed up.

Perhaps not as soon united as we would have been, had we not changed the way we eat. Fine with us, if the Lord deems we have a use here. The reunion will be the sweeter for being delayed.

The best part is the atonement, by which we know that good always wins in the end.

Meanwhile, there's a battle to wage.

Tender Mercies

I hear a crying baby right now, and I love it.

Maybe love is too strong a word here. I love laughter better. But I love the energy of that baby's cry, and the trust implied in that she knows her mother will respond. Otherwise, why cry?

I also love it that I don't have to do anything, and her mother will respond. I've had my turn, after all.

The baby is a miracle, and so is her mother. The mother is married to my son, and that he is married to such a wonderful person and has two babies of his own is completely miraculous.

Tonight we'll let them know they have to move out by 3 1/2 months from this date. Doesn't matter if it's sooner. Extenuating circumstances may extend the deadline. But they will have to prepare, and be better at being self sufficient as a result.

I trust they'll rise to the occasion. Who knows, maybe they'll even learn to rely on miracles as we've had to raising a family together.

Miracles are a kind of tender mercy. Other kinds are spiritual impressions, gifts of understanding, patience and spiritual gifts.

Right now I'm especially grateful for the miracle, spiritual impressions, gifts of understanding, patience and spiritual gifts that are mine, associated with finding, marrying and raising a family with an incredible woman.

She's discouraged right now, and been crying. I know it's partly related to our son moving out, why it's necessary to tell him now, and the sadness and circumstance of missing children, gone for various reasons.

Me, I'm happy about the long view. Knowing that this life is not the end is a tremendous blessing when it comes to dealing with stubborn hearts, especially my own. I trust we'll be able to gather with our children who are willing around us in that great beyond-the-veil day, and we'll rejoice in the blessings, justice and goodness of such an incredible plan.

And I know she's happy about that too. But the immediacy of a mother's love, and the regrets for apparent short-term setbacks, are part of who she is. And she's a total package. I'm even happy about her tears, and that she cares so much.